MoNEy tREEs dON't eXiSt...

But money plants do! My old roommate and I once had a plant with very curly stems. One day, she folded up a $1 bill into one of the curls. As friends came over, slowly people started adding to the plant. Before we knew it, we had a 400% return!!!

The money plant can be successful with these three ingredients:

1. A plant
2. A $1 bill
3. Generous friends

Nothing is impossible. Except dinosaurs. (Name that quote!)

Alfred Hitchcock Presents "The Baboons"

a CoLLeGe liFesTyLe fOR tHE WoRkiNg adULt

As I sit at home on a Friday night feeling like a loser (I'm tired and I had a rough week but nonetheless a loser), I look back to a recent day I had...

• Breakfast sandwich
• Bar to watch the Hawks
• Bloody Mary
• Beers
• Hawks wins
• Split a grilled cheese 
• Bags tournament
• More beer
• Choco Taco 
• New bar
• Flippy Cup tournament
• More beer
• Split another grilled cheese
• Pre/post party at my house
• More beer
• New bar
• Beers
• Slumber Party

Yep, I've still got it.

CaNNoT...sTop...LauGHiNg

www.getonmyhorse.com

tHe noT-So-sEcRetiVe sTaLKeR

A friend was telling me a story the other day about how someone from college contacted her on Facebook and started up an email conversation. Seeing they had a few friends in common, she figured she was just drawing a blank on who he was. After a few emails back and forth, she finally asked him how she knew him. Turns out, they were not friends but he openly admitted he had a crush and pretty much stalked her throughout college. So is it better that he admitted it so casually or is it weird to be that upfront about something like that? Our conversation turned into us guessing what he might say next.

• "When I was digging through your garbage the other day I saw a receipt from that new restaurant. Would you recommend anything specific on the menu?"
• "So I see you have a few overdue library books. Would you like me to return them for you while I'm in your neighborhood?"
• "I was watching you with my night vision goggles last night and saw that you sleep with two teddy bears. Have you had those since you were little?"
• "I really love those Facebook pictures you were uploading at 11:42am. That must be a new sweater."
• "I can't believe how many awards show up when I do a Google search of you. Are you so talented."
• "I ordered a copy of your high school yearbook. I can't believe how expensive shipping is lately!"

mY LiFE iS a viDEo GaME

There are moments in my life where I've felt like I was in a video game.

• Italians are insane drivers. It doesn't help that the roads are super narrow, cobblestone and go every which way. Try being drunk in the back of a cab as the cabbie weaves in and out of traffic at full speed. It felt like I was actually in a race car of a video game. Being drunk helped me from not totally panicking because I knew if we crashed, it would be one of those instances where the car would launch and do a bunch of flips in the air before crashing down.
  
• I live close to work so I always walk. I've gotten to know the patterns of all the stoplights and traffic. I'm pretty impatient when it comes to waiting for "the right of way" so I ignore it. Basically I feel like I'm playing real life Frogger.

Go HaWKs!

Iowa beat no. 5 ranked team Penn State this weekend in football. It was fantastic. To celebrate, the city replaced the watertower by Kinnick Stadium.

tHe cRoss-Eyed BaNdiT

I realize this is becoming the 'when i was little blog' but (let's all say it together) "when I was little..." I was obsessed with Magic Eye pictures. I had books, posters, you name it. But it got to the point that I would cross my eyes at anything with a pattern looking for the hidden picture. This went on for a couple years. I am seriously surprised I didn't become cross-eyed. Although people probably thought I was when they would catch me in the act. I was reminded of this last night when I was playing a game on my iPhone and found myself crossing my eyes. Dear God, please don't let this be the start of the cross-eyed bandit.

SeSaME sTReeT taUGht mE eVeRYthiNg i kNoW

Ahh, SuMMeR

• It was the Summer of Love. I woke up from a cat nap on the lake one day to find two dragonflies doing it on my leg.
• It was the Summer of Accepting Others. My mom was telling me how a bear was hanging around our cabin. Instead of being scared, all I could think of was how it was probably Jacob from Twilight. They did say the werewolves looked like giant bears. And we all know Jacob is really sweet.
• It was the Summer of Senses. I got new carpet for my bedroom and I just want to lay on it all the time. I also just got a new shampoo that I love the smell of. If people see me in the act of smelling my hair, they probably think I have mustache envy.
• It was the Summer of Wildlife. I finally saw my first wild bear (digging though a neighbor's garbage) during a 4am run to the airport. He looked the age of a teenager. Not to mention he's sneaking home late at night and he's got the munchies. He was obviously high.
• It was the Summer of Sisterhood. My newly 21-year-old sister and I were hanging out at Pracna one lovely afternoon when the two ladies next to us started talking to us only to discover we were sisters and so were they. They were your typical suburban housewives in their mid-to-late 30s. They proceeded to chat with each other and sometimes us all afternoon. As my sister and I were leaving, we asked if they were out for the night. Sister #1 says "probably not. My husband had a big hunk of meat on the counter when I left this morning so I think he's making dinner." Sister #2 laughs and practically yells "Is Joe grillin' his dick for dinner?!" It was hilarious.
• It was the Summer of Fish Tacos. Yep.
• It was the Summer of Dreams Coming True. A friend from high school has been telling a bunch of us he was going to get an outline of a bear tattooed on his chest and then he would shave around the outline so the bear would fill in with his hair. Well this summer I finally saw it all done. It's not as cartoonish as I had imagined. The bears eyes are his nipples, which make it look slightly evil and there is a snout. He even got a salmon tattoo on his arm so he can "feed the bear." It's awesome in a ridiculous way. As my good friend pointed out though, we can enjoy it. We didn't marry him.
• It was the Summer of Greed. One day at Canterbury I was betting on my favorite horse's name of the day. One the walk to the gate before the race, the jockey got bucked off and the horse started running around the track. Being slightly drunk, I started yelling at the jockey as he made his walk of shame back. He started yelling at me too. "He was a pony." Whatever, your fault. But damn, I had such a good feeling about that horse making me big money.
• It was the Summer of Team Building. Let's turn this party over!
• It was the Summer of 12 Steps. My friend has a problem. After endless teasing one night, he finally admitted it out loud. "My name is Kent and I bring chips to parties!" Hey, admitting it is the first step, right?
  

kiSS thE GiRLs!

If this isn't the best poster EVER, I don't know what is. These guys are geniuses! I think everyone needs one of these framed over their couch. Or bed. As my friend Steve who gave me this pointed out, each Golden Girls character matches the personality of the Kiss member.

http://www.printmafia.net/pm/catalog/i520.html

"LegeN...wAiT foR iT...dARy!!!"

In my make-believe TV life, I would love, love, love to play laser tag with Barney Stinson. It would be legenDARY! I used to play laser tag in high school all the time. Knollwood Mall had the best place. Then it closed. Does anybody out there know of an awesome laser tag place in Minnesota that's full of awesomeness? Barney, did you see what I did there? xoxo.

I wAs dUpEd!

Recently I was thinking back to all the things I thought were real as a kid.  For example:

• The band at Chuck E. Cheese.  Those guys were awesome.  I got so excited when they would come on stage.  Did it ever occur to me why they only played one venue?  No.  Did it ever occur to me why they needed so many breaks?  No.  Did it ever occur to me they weren't real?!  No.
• I lived across the street from Biting Dog.  My best friend and I couldn't play sometimes because of him.  "I can't walk over to your house right now.  Biting Dog is outside."  First of all, he never bit anyone, so how he got that name I'll never know.  And secondly, it never occurred to me that Biting Dog wasn't his real name until literally last year.
• There is a trail by my cabin in Montana that my mom called the Hedgehog Trail.  She would convince us to go walking with her because we might see hedgehogs and fairies, which I always looked for.  WTF???

FoR tHe BoYs OUt tHeRe...

iT's a ScaN aRTisT!

A fellow sandwich lover told me about this blog: http://scanwiches.com. It takes a scan of the insides of sandwiches. Some of them look fantastic. Like the turkey, fresh mozzerella and roasted red peppers. Wow. Let me at it! Or the Outrageous BLT with apple-smoked bacon, fire-roasted jalapenos, tomatoes, avacado, garlic mayo, and greens?!

It really makes me want to scan a picture in of my favorite sandwich in Big Sky, Montana.

Name: Your new favorite

Ingredients: Ciabatta, Turkey, Avacado, Green Chiles, Bacon & Pepperjack Cheese.

I promise to at least take a picture of it next time I'm out there.

dEciSionS aRe tHE woRsT

PaRty oWL

dRuNKeN TRee bRaWL

Last night two drunk birds got into a big fight in the tree outside my window. They kept me up super late arguing. One bird was super pissed off and talking super loud, while the other bird was a bit more low key. Granted I'm not fluent in BIRD but I think the conversation went something like this:

Girl Bird: I HATE YOU.
Boy Bird: What'd I do this time?
Girl Bird: YOU'RE SUCH A LIAR!
Boy Bird: Calm down. I just flew home from work and wanted to grab a beer with the rapters.
Girl Bird: YOU HAVE LIPSTICK ON YOUR BEAK!
Boy Bird: The bar had a free berry buffet.
Girl Bird: OH YEAH? THEN HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THE BLONDE FEATHER ON YOUR BACK???
Boy Bird: It's gray. I'm getting old, baby.
Girl Bird: YOU'RE SUCH A LIAR!
Boy Bird: What are you really mad at?
Girl Bird: I JUST SAT ON THE KIDS ALL DAY WHILE YOU WERE OUT "WORKING."
Boy Bird: Someone has to bring home the worms.
Girl Bird: YOU NEVER BUY ME ANYTHING ANYMORE. THE LAST PIECE OF JEWELRY YOU BROUGHT HOME FOR ME WAS A PLASTIC 6-PACK POP RING. AND THAT WASN'T FUNNY!!!!
Boy Bird: Do you need a hug and peck?
Girl Bird: Yes.
(fluttering)
Boy Bird: Let's go home now. I need to put the storm twigs up. It's supposed to be really windy tomorrow.

VaCaTioN Day oN HumP DaY

I took work off this past Wednesday. Here are a few learnings:

1. Swimsuit bottoms can be misinterpreted for underwear. So if you're lifting up your friends' dresses taking pictures of their butts, people may get the wrong impression.


2. If there are 40 MPH winds and you're sitting by a beach covered in sunscreen, you WILL end up with a dirt mustache.


3. If you want to talk yourself up, don't start with the phrase "I don't mean to stroke my own goat..."


4. If you're going to start a fire, make sure you have the following: a picture, a lighter, a camera, Billy Joel's 'We Didn't Start the Fire,' a cup of water (not as an afterthought) and a flame retardent bed. Oh, and one hot fireman.


5. If you want to order a pizza, make sure you didn't just eat a pizza.

CooKiNg & cONVeRsiOns

Kadee: "We need 16 ounces."
Laurie: "How many ounces are in a pint?"
Kadee: "(Gasp.) Laurie, you should know this!"
Laurie: "Why?"
Kadee: "Cause you live at the bar!"

mY neW FoRm oF GamBLiNg

Live auctions! I went to some charity dinner last night and granted I couldn't afford any of the live auctions but I could see how one would get caught up in it. Someone bid $30K for four tickets to The Boss, which included backstage passes, guaranteed meet & greet, plus he would match whatever the bidder spent. Damn, yo. There was an item in the auction for a suite in the new Gophers stadium (against South Dakota, woof) and my dad kept trying pulling my arm up to bid. He was about to pee his pants he was laughing so hard but I was afraid the auctioneer was going to see my arm keep going up. I think my arm muscles hurt today from trying to resist the pulling. Go Hawks.

ThE wEEk's LEaRniNgs

1. How I Met Your Mother is my new favorite show (yes, I realize I'm late to that party). I laugh out loud during every episode.
2. Buffalo Chicken Pizza??? HO. LY. SHIT. is that ever delicious. I'm going to try out a few recipes of my own. I'll keep you posted.
3. Don't punch windows.
4. Parties that consist of beer, yahtzee and sex world prizes are pretty rad.
5. Bea Arthur - oh how I will miss you. At least you live on on Lifetime. And Hallmark.
   

a FLy oN tHe WaLL

I would love to be a fly on the wall during an all guy conversation. The more and more I listen to girls have conversations, it's totally intriguing me. If I guy were a (blind) fly on the wall in the girls locker room at the gym for instance, I think they would totally roll their eyes. Most of those conversations revolve around makeup, hair, food, calories and shopping. Then take a girls' conversation that's more intimate. Giving each other advice or telling stories with all the details being included. Talking about boys and justifying why they did this or that. Etc. etc. Either way, without boys around, conversations are often times way different. So I wonder what guys talk about when there are no girls around. Us girls assume it's always superficial, whether it be about sports, food, hot chicks, burping, etc. Maybe that's their locker room conversation. But do they have the same sort of intimate conversations? Do they give each other advice and talk about real situations in their life or do they just keep it all to themselves. I'm sure it's not so black and white and everyone is different but I'm thinking more and more I should have been an anthropologist.

tRoGGLEs

Oh how I miss Word Munchers & Number Munchers. I used to dominate those troggles. Sadly, most people don't even know what I'm talking about. Must have been another luxury Chaska had that other schools didn't. Ha. But they were one of the few educational games I loooooooooved. That and Oregon Trail, of course. But I didn't wise up and stop being the banker until the end of my Oregon Trail career.

HaVE yOU bEEN iNjuReD iN a saNdWicH aCCiDeNt?

If so, you need to call Holtz and Buddies: Attorneys at Law. We'll assess the damage, pull some numbers together and see if you're entitled to a settlement. We're straight shooters. This is all we do and we do it well.

Please call:

1-800-HOLTZATLAW

or

www.holtzandbuddiesattorneysatlaw.com

"We'll take a bite out of crime. AND your sandwich!"

A wHiLe bAcK...

...I had posted a blog about the Golden Girls. Lifetime was going to take them off the air and replace it with Sex & the City. While I love that show too, I can watch it on about 3 other networks. Lifetime, however, is the only network left that plays the Golden Girls. I had formed an official complaint along with hundreds (maybe thousands?!) of others. We were in an uproar! So I thought to myself, if they for some reason keep the Golden Girls around, I will feel like a part of something. Well - knock on wood - a year later, they still air the show. I recently came across this picture of Rose/Betty White. Check out her giraffe shirt and kitten purse! If that doesn't scream "Rose," I don't know what does.

Cougar vs. Cougar

So I have to wonder, what does my generation think of when they hear the word "cougar?" Growing up, it was an animal. A furry animal. Now, it's a different animal. And probably not so furry. When I hear "cougar," I think of older women preying on younger men. A while back, some friends discovered urbancougar.com. It was pretty hilarious. That's where I learned the difference between pumas, cougars and sabertooths. I even went hunting once. But now, whenever someone mentions a cougar, my thoughts never go to the four-legged animal. Ever. I realized it tonight when I went out to dinner with my grandma and she was talking about cougar sightings in her area. Apparently the neighbors are up in arms over this. The entire time she was talking, all I could imagine was a slutty, older woman running around in people's backyards looking for younger guys in the window.

sWaMpEd

Sometimes I just stare at my to-do list and don't do anything. Is that bad?

iN my pReVioUs liFE...

...I think I was a bear. Every time I sit down to paint, I'm tempted to paint a bear. Maybe I'm channeling my old friends. I also love to hibernate in the winter. Oh, and I bought gummy bears the other day.

There is also another good possibility I was a drug dog. My sense of smell is really good. Or bad. Depending on what I'm smelling. While I've never used my skill to sniff out drugs, I think I should start training myself to sniff out buried treasures. I could really use some gold bars and jewels in these crazy times. Do you think those who refer to dollar bills as bones really found the money by digging in the backyard?

gRiLLeD chEEse buN? BRiLLiaNt!!!

cuRReNt oBseSsiONs

1. WINGS. Lately I looooooove wings. Going to Buffalo Wild Wings and eating wings, drinking beer and playing trivia is becoming a favorite past time. Not only that, but I've discovered their boneless wings, which are delicious. More meat, too. Those with some spicy garlic sauce and blue cheese dressing really have been hitting the spot. I'm drooling as I write this. I also have come upon a super easy, super yummy buffalo chicken wing dip. It only requires 5 ingredients and tends to be quite a hit at parties lately.
2. VAMPIRES. That damn, addicting Twilight series has made me want a vampire boyfriend. They are more clever, handsome, stronger, and faster that your average, non-vampire boy. Oh Edward.... Anyway, not only have I been reading those but I just finished season 1 of True Blood on HBO. It was pretty good. Slow start but still, I was fascinated. The only problem with hanging out with vampires though, is the fact that they need to be in darkness and can't really handle the sunlight. That wouldn't be a problem for me though. I prefer to live in the dark unless I'm outside in the summer. Especially when it comes to nap time.
   
3. GRAPE APES. I blame my old pals in Thorburn. Mid-afternoon Grape Apes at the Loon became a much anticipated ritual. Now I can't go to the home of the Grape Ape with having a least one (or six). They do get me in trouble sometimes. Like the other night. Or New Years Eve day when we drank multiple Grape Apes, Orangutan, Cherry Chimps, Strawberry Snow Monkies and the Chemo Kitty (which is entirely another story in itself). But it's totally worth it. And if you bring your own flavored soda, the Loon will make any primate cocktail you'd like.
   

hEaRd iT. LoVeD It.

(in a southern accent)
"I wanna lick your mind."

oNe oF mY faVoRitE coMMeRciALs

Ha!

mY MORNing

Picture this...it's a pleasant -12 degrees here in Minneapolis without the windchill.

1. I wake up to a frozen nose, NOT wanting to get out of bed.
2. Put on more layers just to get up and get ready for work. My condo unit has dropped to 50 degrees.
3. I throw all the clothes I'm going to wear for the day (including long underwear) in the dryer to get them nice and warm.
4. Watch TV in hopes that my work will be running across the bottom of the news with all of the school cancellations. No such luck.
5. Get dressed. Put on my down coat, a hat, two scarves, two sets of mittens and sinch my hat. I wish I still had my ski goggles at times like these.
6. I walk to the front door and actually whimper out loud - just dreading what's about to come.
7. I die.
8. Just kidding. My prep work actually paid off. Wasn't horrible. Except for my eyes watering making my mascara run.
9. Then I think to myself, why do I live here?