2011 tHoUghTs

I'm sorry to those of you who are upset I haven't been blogging recently. There are a couple of reasons for this. My blog has a very critical approval process. If it doesn't entertain me, then I can't expect you to like it either. Also, despite what's listed on my profile, I no longer live in Yemen. I have relocated. Unpacking box after box did not inspire my blog. BUT.....I'm back. And here is what's on my mind:

• Zombies. After watching The Walking Dead, I actually feel like I see zombies out in the real world. I think it's just the way some people walk but I'm not going to lie; for a split second, I picture them getting shot in the head.
  
• Caramel Crunch Bars. Did they stop making those?!?!?
• This funny quote from the Golden Girls. “Dorothy, was Sophia naked just now, or does her dress really need ironing?” -Rose
• If I was an internet hacker, I would develop a program that captured incorrect passwords. How often do we put in a password on one site that is actually our password for a different site? If it's the wrong password for the site, it's not secure. So I'd grab those and enter them into different sites hoping to break in. Genius! (This idea is copyrighted.)
  

  
  

puCKeR uP

gHeTTo cAt FiGHt

Three important things happened yesterday.

1. I learned my Grandma got in an actual fist fight at her nursing home.
2. I was in a meeting where someone said "I don't think in the ghetto it even gets this ghetto."
3. I was telling my brother about me being stalked by a cat (for real) and while normally I think cats are jerks, this one is nice to me. Then I mentioned my other favorite cat moved to Nashville. This isn't the first time I told this story but it is the first time THIS song popped in my head!

FaCEBoOk fRoM yEsTER-YeAR

A tiP for tHe LaDiEs

Going somewhere where you don't want to bring a purse but need your stuff? Wear a fishing vest! It's the perfect alternative. I can't believe no one has thought of this before. You can even sneak beers in. I'm am so bringing this fashion back...err....out for the first time.

gEEzeR?

I made fun of my dad the other day for being old and a couple days later, he sent me this joke. I found it hilarious.

A girl took her dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he was 66).

They decided to grab a bite at the food court.
She noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours - green, red, orange, and blue. Her dad kept staring at the teenager.
The teenager kept looking and would find the dad staring every time. When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked, “What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life? He responded without batting an eyelid. “Got stoned once and screwed a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my daughter."

hEaRD iT. LoVEd It.

"These mosquitoes aren't cooperating with my no-mosquito policy."

FaCT SeRiEs: LLaMaS

Color is always a surprise. Llamas can be born solid, spotted or a variety of color & patterns. It has nothing to do with the color if its parents.

SoFa-KiNG aWeSoME

FiNaNciAL QuOtEs to mAKE yoU SOuNd sMaRTeR

1. Time is money.
2. If it doesn't make dollars then it doesn't make sense.
3. You can't afford NOT to buy it!

Just kidding. Don't say these. You will get your ass kicked. But.....I still use them. We could all use more benjamins.

i WisH i WaS taLLeR

So I was telling some friends the other day that I'm thinking of adopting an 18 year old. That way I will have skipped all the stuff babies, kids and teenagers bring to the table. Dirt. Crying. Braces. Attitude. Stealing your car. Drums. A toilet-papered house. 5am hockey practice. Detention. The birds and the bees. Stranger danger. Frog dissection. Temper tantrums. Mud pies. I'm sure I don't even know the half of it.

Therefore, if I adopted an 18 year old, we could bond while they go to college and I would be part of their lives from there on out. We would talk, laugh, drink, go out to eat, share our crazy stories of when we were younger, etc., etc. We would be family who are friends. But this would guarantee me being taken care of once I lose my mind or am lonely during the holidays.

FoOd PoRN

I love food. It's not a secret. You know how they say guys think about sex every 7 seconds? Well I think I think about food every 7 seconds. Sorry to continue to quote things my friends say but in the last 24 hours, I have gotten these two quotes which totally cracked me up.

"Stop sending me food porn at work!"

"Never mention food to Holtz. You'll always get a yes. You could ask her if she was up for dining off the carcass of a roadkill and she'd be in as long as beer was being served with it."

mY FriENds cRacK mE UP

Barson: "There is this guy I work with who always has to make an entrance when he walks into a room. He has really loud shoes."
Me: "Oh. Like boots with heels?"
Barson: "Yeah, but not like spurs."
Me (thinking to myself): WTF. Thanks for clearing THAT up. Were spurs ever an option???


Me: "You bought her a shot?"
Merete: "Yep. "
Me: "Why?"
Merete: "It's entertainment for me. It's like buying a movie ticket."

i'M sTaRviNg

pERsoNaLs: sTRicTLy pLaToNic

A dining experience for 4. 2 girls. 1 guy. Looking for another guy. mw4m. Warehouse District.

• 25-35
• Single "normal"
• Likes bar hopping/dive bars
• Likes laughing
• Likes beer
• Willing to split plates and checks
• Must drink with us
• Likes chips
• Must have a job with benefits
• Valid passport
• No felonies
• Lives in the warehouse district
• We're at least 8s. 8.5s after 3 beers.
• At least 6 feet tall

This is a Craigs List ad me and two friends posted. We thought it would be an adventure. Hey, what can we say?! Sometimes the 4th chair looks lonely! We interviewed our first (and only) responder last Friday. Total nerd. And not the awesome kind (although it was funny when he kept bringing up his work Christmas party - he works for and by himself). He wasn't for us. But we lived to tell about it.

aSsHoLE

As I bellied up to the bar last night, this guy is following a group of guys (presumably they all knew each other) and yells "Hey, Assholes!" About 20 of us surrounding people turned around. The guy then starts laughing hysterically and points out that we all respond to the name 'asshole.' It was kind of funny. Guess you had to be there.

TiGER sHaRk sPoTTeD oFF tHe GuLF coAsT

SizZLin'

My old man dog LOVES the fireplace. It's super funny to watch him because he'll lay be the fireplace for hours to the point where it feels like his fur is burning. Then at some point he'll get up and literally stumble to his waterbowl. He looks like he's drunk. After drinking water for full minutes, he'll then stumble sideways back to his ledge by the fire and lay back down. That guy cracks me up.