dRuNKeN TRee bRaWL

Last night two drunk birds got into a big fight in the tree outside my window. They kept me up super late arguing. One bird was super pissed off and talking super loud, while the other bird was a bit more low key. Granted I'm not fluent in BIRD but I think the conversation went something like this:

Girl Bird: I HATE YOU.
Boy Bird: What'd I do this time?
Girl Bird: YOU'RE SUCH A LIAR!
Boy Bird: Calm down. I just flew home from work and wanted to grab a beer with the rapters.
Girl Bird: YOU HAVE LIPSTICK ON YOUR BEAK!
Boy Bird: The bar had a free berry buffet.
Girl Bird: OH YEAH? THEN HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THE BLONDE FEATHER ON YOUR BACK???
Boy Bird: It's gray. I'm getting old, baby.
Girl Bird: YOU'RE SUCH A LIAR!
Boy Bird: What are you really mad at?
Girl Bird: I JUST SAT ON THE KIDS ALL DAY WHILE YOU WERE OUT "WORKING."
Boy Bird: Someone has to bring home the worms.
Girl Bird: YOU NEVER BUY ME ANYTHING ANYMORE. THE LAST PIECE OF JEWELRY YOU BROUGHT HOME FOR ME WAS A PLASTIC 6-PACK POP RING. AND THAT WASN'T FUNNY!!!!
Boy Bird: Do you need a hug and peck?
Girl Bird: Yes.
(fluttering)
Boy Bird: Let's go home now. I need to put the storm twigs up. It's supposed to be really windy tomorrow.

VaCaTioN Day oN HumP DaY

I took work off this past Wednesday. Here are a few learnings:

1. Swimsuit bottoms can be misinterpreted for underwear. So if you're lifting up your friends' dresses taking pictures of their butts, people may get the wrong impression.


2. If there are 40 MPH winds and you're sitting by a beach covered in sunscreen, you WILL end up with a dirt mustache.


3. If you want to talk yourself up, don't start with the phrase "I don't mean to stroke my own goat..."


4. If you're going to start a fire, make sure you have the following: a picture, a lighter, a camera, Billy Joel's 'We Didn't Start the Fire,' a cup of water (not as an afterthought) and a flame retardent bed. Oh, and one hot fireman.


5. If you want to order a pizza, make sure you didn't just eat a pizza.

CooKiNg & cONVeRsiOns

Kadee: "We need 16 ounces."
Laurie: "How many ounces are in a pint?"
Kadee: "(Gasp.) Laurie, you should know this!"
Laurie: "Why?"
Kadee: "Cause you live at the bar!"

mY neW FoRm oF GamBLiNg

Live auctions! I went to some charity dinner last night and granted I couldn't afford any of the live auctions but I could see how one would get caught up in it. Someone bid $30K for four tickets to The Boss, which included backstage passes, guaranteed meet & greet, plus he would match whatever the bidder spent. Damn, yo. There was an item in the auction for a suite in the new Gophers stadium (against South Dakota, woof) and my dad kept trying pulling my arm up to bid. He was about to pee his pants he was laughing so hard but I was afraid the auctioneer was going to see my arm keep going up. I think my arm muscles hurt today from trying to resist the pulling. Go Hawks.