Dear Stranger living under my bed,

I could handle you taking all the paper towels and eating my bananas. I could even handle when you hit your head under my bed while I was trying to sleep. Granted, I had just finished watching a scary episode of Dexter so I was a little on edge but nonetheless, I felt it. I know you're living under my bed but I'm too scared to look and kick you out. I hadn't heard from you in a few days so I thought you had maybe left but I come home tonight to find you've changed the channel on the TV in my room??? I specifically remember falling asleep to Golden Girls last night. That is NOT on Fox. I also saw all the muddy footprints that you brought in. I at least try to step on the rug every time I walk in the door. Next time you're out, can you at least do me the favor of buying more milk? We're out.