Keep the change, you filthy animal.

PaSs tHe PiGs

2011-03-06T23:54:00.000-06:00

A couple years ago, Mrs. Claus gave me a game called Pass The Pigs. As far as I was aware, nobody knew about this time. It's a very PG game unless (as Mrs. Claus suggested) you make it a drinking game. As it turns out, I'm not the only one who owns this game. Recently, I've gotten into some very heated battles. I mean, who thought tossing a few rubber pigs could be so intense. Razorback. Trotter. Snouter. DOUBLE.....LEANING.....JOWLER!!!!

nEEd i SaY MoRe?

2011-01-18T20:17:00.008-06:00

Ahhh....those golden arches. Why do they always make me feel so warm and fuzzy?

In college, my roommate and I would drive to McDonalds at least once a day during Monopoly season and buy a "big coke." One night at the bar, this guy comes up to my roommate and asks where her friend is. "My friend?" she responded. He goes, "Yeah, I always see you guys driving around campus with your big cokes." True story.
Post college, a different roommate and I decided we were super hungover and needed McDonalds. It was a nice day so we decided to walk there. Why I'll never know. We probably walked 2.5 miles each way in the hot sun, super hungover, just so we could get our MccyDs.
I have been known to wait in the parking lot waiting for them to open.
I have been known to wait in the parking lot waiting for them to transition from breakfast to lunch.
I have gift cards to McDonalds.

The stories could go on and on. I love that no matter where I am, I can always count on someone to like it just as much as I do.

2011 tHoUghTs

2010-12-22T16:39:00.003-06:00

I'm sorry to those of you who are upset I haven't been blogging recently. There are a couple of reasons for this. My blog has a very critical approval process. If it doesn't entertain me, then I can't expect you to like it either. Also, despite what's listed on my profile, I no longer live in Yemen. I have relocated. Unpacking box after box did not inspire my blog. BUT.....I'm back. And here is what's on my mind:

Zombies. After watching The Walking Dead, I actually feel like I see zombies out in the real world. I think it's just the way some people walk but I'm not going to lie; for a split second, I picture them getting shot in the head.
Caramel Crunch Bars. Did they stop making those?!?!?
This funny quote from the Golden Girls. “Dorothy, was Sophia naked just now, or does her dress really need ironing?” -Rose
If I was an internet hacker, I would develop a program that captured incorrect passwords. How often do we put in a password on one site that is actually our password for a different site? If it's the wrong password for the site, it's not secure. So I'd grab those and enter them into different sites hoping to break in. Genius! (This idea is copyrighted.)

puCKeR uP

2010-10-28T10:31:00.002-05:00

gHeTTo cAt FiGHt

2010-09-22T09:20:00.003-05:00

Three important things happened yesterday.

I learned my Grandma got in an actual fist fight at her nursing home.
I was in a meeting where someone said "I don't think in the ghetto it even gets this ghetto."
I was telling my brother about me being stalked by a cat (for real) and while normally I think cats are jerks, this one is nice to me. Then I mentioned my other favorite cat moved to Nashville. This isn't the first time I told this story but it is the first time THIS song popped in my head!

FaCEBoOk fRoM yEsTER-YeAR

2010-09-16T15:33:00.001-05:00

A tiP for tHe LaDiEs

2010-08-26T14:11:00.002-05:00

Going somewhere where you don't want to bring a purse but need your stuff? Wear a fishing vest! It's the perfect alternative. I can't believe no one has thought of this before. You can even sneak beers in. I'm am so bringing this fashion back...err....out for the first time.

gEEzeR?

2010-07-29T23:06:00.005-05:00

I made fun of my dad the other day for being old and a couple days later, he sent me this joke. I found it hilarious.

A girl took her dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he was 66).

They decided to grab a bite at the food court.
She noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours - green, red, orange, and blue. Her dad kept staring at the teenager.
The teenager kept looking and would find the dad staring every time. When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked, “What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life? He responded without batting an eyelid. “Got stoned once and screwed a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my daughter."

hEaRD iT. LoVEd It.

2010-06-29T09:40:00.002-05:00

"These mosquitoes aren't cooperating with my no-mosquito policy."

FaCT SeRiEs: LLaMaS

2010-06-23T10:14:00.005-05:00

Color is always a surprise. Llamas can be born solid, spotted or a variety of color & patterns. It has nothing to do with the color if its parents.

SoFa-KiNG aWeSoME

2010-06-21T16:21:00.003-05:00

FiNaNciAL QuOtEs to mAKE yoU SOuNd sMaRTeR

2010-05-14T14:56:00.002-05:00

Time is money.
If it doesn't make dollars then it doesn't make sense.
You can't afford NOT to buy it!

Just kidding. Don't say these. You will get your ass kicked. But.....I still use them. We could all use more benjamins.

i WisH i WaS taLLeR

2010-04-30T14:40:00.002-05:00

2010-04-15T17:40:00.004-05:00

So I was telling some friends the other day that I'm thinking of adopting an 18 year old. That way I will have skipped all the stuff babies, kids and teenagers bring to the table. Dirt. Crying. Braces. Attitude. Stealing your car. Drums. A toilet-papered house. 5am hockey practice. Detention. The birds and the bees. Stranger danger. Frog dissection. Temper tantrums. Mud pies. I'm sure I don't even know the half of it.

Therefore, if I adopted an 18 year old, we could bond while they go to college and I would be part of their lives from there on out. We would talk, laugh, drink, go out to eat, share our crazy stories of when we were younger, etc., etc. We would be family who are friends. But this would guarantee me being taken care of once I lose my mind or am lonely during the holidays.

FoOd PoRN

2010-04-07T13:28:00.002-05:00

I love food. It's not a secret. You know how they say guys think about sex every 7 seconds? Well I think I think about food every 7 seconds. Sorry to continue to quote things my friends say but in the last 24 hours, I have gotten these two quotes which totally cracked me up.

"Stop sending me food porn at work!"

"Never mention food to Holtz. You'll always get a yes. You could ask her if she was up for dining off the carcass of a roadkill and she'd be in as long as beer was being served with it."

mY FriENds cRacK mE UP

2010-03-18T16:49:00.004-05:00

Barson: "There is this guy I work with who always has to make an entrance when he walks into a room. He has really loud shoes."
Me: "Oh. Like boots with heels?"
Barson: "Yeah, but not like spurs."
Me (thinking to myself): WTF. Thanks for clearing THAT up. Were spurs ever an option???

Me: "You bought her a shot?"
Merete: "Yep. "
Me: "Why?"
Merete: "It's entertainment for me. It's like buying a movie ticket."

i'M sTaRviNg

2010-03-18T16:47:00.002-05:00

pERsoNaLs: sTRicTLy pLaToNic

2010-02-02T15:37:00.004-06:00

A dining experience for 4. 2 girls. 1 guy. Looking for another guy. mw4m. Warehouse District.

25-35
Single "normal"
Likes bar hopping/dive bars
Likes laughing
Likes beer
Willing to split plates and checks
Must drink with us
Likes chips
Must have a job with benefits
Valid passport
No felonies
Lives in the warehouse district
We're at least 8s. 8.5s after 3 beers.
At least 6 feet tall

This is a Craigs List ad me and two friends posted. We thought it would be an adventure. Hey, what can we say?! Sometimes the 4th chair looks lonely! We interviewed our first (and only) responder last Friday. Total nerd. And not the awesome kind (although it was funny when he kept bringing up his work Christmas party - he works for and by himself). He wasn't for us. But we lived to tell about it.

aSsHoLE

2010-01-13T11:18:00.002-06:00

As I bellied up to the bar last night, this guy is following a group of guys (presumably they all knew each other) and yells "Hey, Assholes!" About 20 of us surrounding people turned around. The guy then starts laughing hysterically and points out that we all respond to the name 'asshole.' It was kind of funny. Guess you had to be there.

TiGER sHaRk sPoTTeD oFF tHe GuLF coAsT

2010-01-12T15:50:00.001-06:00

SizZLin'

2010-01-11T11:27:00.003-06:00

My old man dog LOVES the fireplace. It's super funny to watch him because he'll lay be the fireplace for hours to the point where it feels like his fur is burning. Then at some point he'll get up and literally stumble to his waterbowl. He looks like he's drunk. After drinking water for full minutes, he'll then stumble sideways back to his ledge by the fire and lay back down. That guy cracks me up.

MoNEy tREEs dON't eXiSt...

2009-12-07T15:11:00.002-06:00

But money plants do! My old roommate and I once had a plant with very curly stems. One day, she folded up a $1 bill into one of the curls. As friends came over, slowly people started adding to the plant. Before we knew it, we had a 400% return!!!

The money plant can be successful with these three ingredients:

A plant
A $1 bill
Generous friends

Nothing is impossible. Except dinosaurs. (Name that quote!)

2009-12-02T17:03:00.000-06:00

Alfred Hitchcock Presents "The Baboons"

2009-11-12T16:32:00.001-06:00

a CoLLeGe liFesTyLe fOR tHE WoRkiNg adULt

2009-10-30T20:49:00.003-05:00

As I sit at home on a Friday night feeling like a loser (I'm tired and I had a rough week but nonetheless a loser), I look back to a recent day I had...

Breakfast sandwich
Bar to watch the Hawks
Bloody Mary
Beers
Hawks wins
Split a grilled cheese
Bags tournament
More beer
Choco Taco
New bar
Flippy Cup tournament
More beer
Split another grilled cheese
Pre/post party at my house
More beer
New bar
Beers
Slumber Party

Yep, I've still got it.

CaNNoT...sTop...LauGHiNg

2009-10-19T22:54:00.001-05:00

www.getonmyhorse.com

tHe noT-So-sEcRetiVe sTaLKeR

2009-10-04T22:23:00.003-05:00

A friend was telling me a story the other day about how someone from college contacted her on Facebook and started up an email conversation. Seeing they had a few friends in common, she figured she was just drawing a blank on who he was. After a few emails back and forth, she finally asked him how she knew him. Turns out, they were not friends but he openly admitted he had a crush and pretty much stalked her throughout college. So is it better that he admitted it so casually or is it weird to be that upfront about something like that? Our conversation turned into us guessing what he might say next.

"When I was digging through your garbage the other day I saw a receipt from that new restaurant. Would you recommend anything specific on the menu?"
"So I see you have a few overdue library books. Would you like me to return them for you while I'm in your neighborhood?"
"I was watching you with my night vision goggles last night and saw that you sleep with two teddy bears. Have you had those since you were little?"
"I really love those Facebook pictures you were uploading at 11:42am. That must be a new sweater."
"I can't believe how many awards show up when I do a Google search of you. Are you so talented."
"I ordered a copy of your high school yearbook. I can't believe how expensive shipping is lately!"

mY LiFE iS a viDEo GaME

2009-10-02T10:57:00.008-05:00

There are moments in my life where I've felt like I was in a video game.

Italians are insane drivers. It doesn't help that the roads are super narrow, cobblestone and go every which way. Try being drunk in the back of a cab as the cabbie weaves in and out of traffic at full speed. It felt like I was actually in a race car of a video game. Being drunk helped me from not totally panicking because I knew if we crashed, it would be one of those instances where the car would launch and do a bunch of flips in the air before crashing down.
I live close to work so I always walk. I've gotten to know the patterns of all the stoplights and traffic. I'm pretty impatient when it comes to waiting for "the right of way" so I ignore it. Basically I feel like I'm playing real life Frogger.

Go HaWKs!

2009-09-28T14:09:00.002-05:00

Iowa beat no. 5 ranked team Penn State this weekend in football. It was fantastic. To celebrate, the city replaced the watertower by Kinnick Stadium.

tHe cRoss-Eyed BaNdiT

2009-09-28T11:46:00.002-05:00

I realize this is becoming the 'when i was little blog' but (let's all say it together) "when I was little..." I was obsessed with Magic Eye pictures. I had books, posters, you name it. But it got to the point that I would cross my eyes at anything with a pattern looking for the hidden picture. This went on for a couple years. I am seriously surprised I didn't become cross-eyed. Although people probably thought I was when they would catch me in the act. I was reminded of this last night when I was playing a game on my iPhone and found myself crossing my eyes. Dear God, please don't let this be the start of the cross-eyed bandit.

SeSaME sTReeT taUGht mE eVeRYthiNg i kNoW

2009-09-16T23:09:00.001-05:00

Ahh, SuMMeR

2009-09-04T14:20:00.008-05:00

It was the Summer of Love. I woke up from a cat nap on the lake one day to find two dragonflies doing it on my leg.
It was the Summer of Accepting Others. My mom was telling me how a bear was hanging around our cabin. Instead of being scared, all I could think of was how it was probably Jacob from Twilight. They did say the werewolves looked like giant bears. And we all know Jacob is really sweet.
It was the Summer of Senses. I got new carpet for my bedroom and I just want to lay on it all the time. I also just got a new shampoo that I love the smell of. If people see me in the act of smelling my hair, they probably think I have mustache envy.
It was the Summer of Wildlife. I finally saw my first wild bear (digging though a neighbor's garbage) during a 4am run to the airport. He looked the age of a teenager. Not to mention he's sneaking home late at night and he's got the munchies. He was obviously high.
It was the Summer of Sisterhood. My newly 21-year-old sister and I were hanging out at Pracna one lovely afternoon when the two ladies next to us started talking to us only to discover we were sisters and so were they. They were your typical suburban housewives in their mid-to-late 30s. They proceeded to chat with each other and sometimes us all afternoon. As my sister and I were leaving, we asked if they were out for the night. Sister #1 says "probably not. My husband had a big hunk of meat on the counter when I left this morning so I think he's making dinner." Sister #2 laughs and practically yells "Is Joe grillin' his dick for dinner?!" It was hilarious.
It was the Summer of Fish Tacos. Yep.
It was the Summer of Dreams Coming True. A friend from high school has been telling a bunch of us he was going to get an outline of a bear tattooed on his chest and then he would shave around the outline so the bear would fill in with his hair. Well this summer I finally saw it all done. It's not as cartoonish as I had imagined. The bears eyes are his nipples, which make it look slightly evil and there is a snout. He even got a salmon tattoo on his arm so he can "feed the bear." It's awesome in a ridiculous way. As my good friend pointed out though, we can enjoy it. We didn't marry him.
It was the Summer of Greed. One day at Canterbury I was betting on my favorite horse's name of the day. One the walk to the gate before the race, the jockey got bucked off and the horse started running around the track. Being slightly drunk, I started yelling at the jockey as he made his walk of shame back. He started yelling at me too. "He was a pony." Whatever, your fault. But damn, I had such a good feeling about that horse making me big money.
It was the Summer of Team Building. Let's turn this party over!
It was the Summer of 12 Steps. My friend has a problem. After endless teasing one night, he finally admitted it out loud. "My name is Kent and I bring chips to parties!" Hey, admitting it is the first step, right?

kiSS thE GiRLs!

2009-08-27T10:36:00.006-05:00

If this isn't the best poster EVER, I don't know what is. These guys are geniuses! I think everyone needs one of these framed over their couch. Or bed. As my friend Steve who gave me this pointed out, each Golden Girls character matches the personality of the Kiss member.

http://www.printmafia.net/pm/catalog/i520.html

"LegeN...wAiT foR iT...dARy!!!"

2009-08-19T04:56:00.008-05:00

In my make-believe TV life, I would love, love, love to play laser tag with Barney Stinson. It would be legenDARY! I used to play laser tag in high school all the time. Knollwood Mall had the best place. Then it closed. Does anybody out there know of an awesome laser tag place in Minnesota that's full of awesomeness? Barney, did you see what I did there? xoxo.

I wAs dUpEd!

2009-08-19T04:20:00.003-05:00

Recently I was thinking back to all the things I thought were real as a kid. For example:

The band at Chuck E. Cheese. Those guys were awesome. I got so excited when they would come on stage. Did it ever occur to me why they only played one venue? No. Did it ever occur to me why they needed so many breaks? No. Did it ever occur to me they weren't real?! No.
I lived across the street from Biting Dog. My best friend and I couldn't play sometimes because of him. "I can't walk over to your house right now. Biting Dog is outside." First of all, he never bit anyone, so how he got that name I'll never know. And secondly, it never occurred to me that Biting Dog wasn't his real name until literally last year.
There is a trail by my cabin in Montana that my mom called the Hedgehog Trail. She would convince us to go walking with her because we might see hedgehogs and fairies, which I always looked for. WTF???

FoR tHe BoYs OUt tHeRe...

2009-06-29T17:30:00.001-05:00

iT's a ScaN aRTisT!

2009-06-17T10:30:00.004-05:00

A fellow sandwich lover told me about this blog: http://scanwiches.com. It takes a scan of the insides of sandwiches. Some of them look fantastic. Like the turkey, fresh mozzerella and roasted red peppers. Wow. Let me at it! Or the Outrageous BLT with apple-smoked bacon, fire-roasted jalapenos, tomatoes, avacado, garlic mayo, and greens?!

It really makes me want to scan a picture in of my favorite sandwich in Big Sky, Montana.

Name: Your new favorite

Ingredients: Ciabatta, Turkey, Avacado, Green Chiles, Bacon & Pepperjack Cheese.

I promise to at least take a picture of it next time I'm out there.

dEciSionS aRe tHE woRsT

2009-06-12T11:21:00.002-05:00

PaRty oWL

2009-06-10T10:33:00.001-05:00

dRuNKeN TRee bRaWL

2009-05-27T11:35:00.003-05:00

Last night two drunk birds got into a big fight in the tree outside my window. They kept me up super late arguing. One bird was super pissed off and talking super loud, while the other bird was a bit more low key. Granted I'm not fluent in BIRD but I think the conversation went something like this:

Girl Bird: I HATE YOU.
Boy Bird: What'd I do this time?
Girl Bird: YOU'RE SUCH A LIAR!
Boy Bird: Calm down. I just flew home from work and wanted to grab a beer with the rapters.
Girl Bird: YOU HAVE LIPSTICK ON YOUR BEAK!
Boy Bird: The bar had a free berry buffet.
Girl Bird: OH YEAH? THEN HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THE BLONDE FEATHER ON YOUR BACK???
Boy Bird: It's gray. I'm getting old, baby.
Girl Bird: YOU'RE SUCH A LIAR!
Boy Bird: What are you really mad at?
Girl Bird: I JUST SAT ON THE KIDS ALL DAY WHILE YOU WERE OUT "WORKING."
Boy Bird: Someone has to bring home the worms.
Girl Bird: YOU NEVER BUY ME ANYTHING ANYMORE. THE LAST PIECE OF JEWELRY YOU BROUGHT HOME FOR ME WAS A PLASTIC 6-PACK POP RING. AND THAT WASN'T FUNNY!!!!
Boy Bird: Do you need a hug and peck?
Girl Bird: Yes.
(fluttering)
Boy Bird: Let's go home now. I need to put the storm twigs up. It's supposed to be really windy tomorrow.

VaCaTioN Day oN HumP DaY

2009-05-22T09:54:00.005-05:00

I took work off this past Wednesday. Here are a few learnings:

Swimsuit bottoms can be misinterpreted for underwear. So if you're lifting up your friends' dresses taking pictures of their butts, people may get the wrong impression.

If there are 40 MPH winds and you're sitting by a beach covered in sunscreen, you WILL end up with a dirt mustache.

If you want to talk yourself up, don't start with the phrase "I don't mean to stroke my own goat..."

If you're going to start a fire, make sure you have the following: a picture, a lighter, a camera, Billy Joel's 'We Didn't Start the Fire,' a cup of water (not as an afterthought) and a flame retardent bed. Oh, and one hot fireman.

If you want to order a pizza, make sure you didn't just eat a pizza.

2009-05-14T11:39:00.000-05:00

CooKiNg & cONVeRsiOns

2009-05-09T10:56:00.000-05:00

Kadee: "We need 16 ounces."
Laurie: "How many ounces are in a pint?"
Kadee: "(Gasp.) Laurie, you should know this!"
Laurie: "Why?"
Kadee: "Cause you live at the bar!"

mY neW FoRm oF GamBLiNg

2009-05-01T10:48:00.000-05:00

Live auctions! I went to some charity dinner last night and granted I couldn't afford any of the live auctions but I could see how one would get caught up in it. Someone bid $30K for four tickets to The Boss, which included backstage passes, guaranteed meet & greet, plus he would match whatever the bidder spent. Damn, yo. There was an item in the auction for a suite in the new Gophers stadium (against South Dakota, woof) and my dad kept trying pulling my arm up to bid. He was about to pee his pants he was laughing so hard but I was afraid the auctioneer was going to see my arm keep going up. I think my arm muscles hurt today from trying to resist the pulling. Go Hawks.

ThE wEEk's LEaRniNgs

2009-04-27T22:23:00.000-05:00

How I Met Your Mother is my new favorite show (yes, I realize I'm late to that party). I laugh out loud during every episode.
Buffalo Chicken Pizza??? HO. LY. SHIT. is that ever delicious. I'm going to try out a few recipes of my own. I'll keep you posted.
Don't punch windows.
Parties that consist of beer, yahtzee and sex world prizes are pretty rad.
Bea Arthur - oh how I will miss you. At least you live on on Lifetime. And Hallmark.

a FLy oN tHe WaLL

2009-04-16T15:29:00.000-05:00

I would love to be a fly on the wall during an all guy conversation. The more and more I listen to girls have conversations, it's totally intriguing me. If I guy were a (blind) fly on the wall in the girls locker room at the gym for instance, I think they would totally roll their eyes. Most of those conversations revolve around makeup, hair, food, calories and shopping. Then take a girls' conversation that's more intimate. Giving each other advice or telling stories with all the details being included. Talking about boys and justifying why they did this or that. Etc. etc. Either way, without boys around, conversations are often times way different. So I wonder what guys talk about when there are no girls around. Us girls assume it's always superficial, whether it be about sports, food, hot chicks, burping, etc. Maybe that's their locker room conversation. But do they have the same sort of intimate conversations? Do they give each other advice and talk about real situations in their life or do they just keep it all to themselves. I'm sure it's not so black and white and everyone is different but I'm thinking more and more I should have been an anthropologist.

tRoGGLEs

2009-04-15T14:41:00.000-05:00

Oh how I miss Word Munchers & Number Munchers. I used to dominate those troggles. Sadly, most people don't even know what I'm talking about. Must have been another luxury Chaska had that other schools didn't. Ha. But they were one of the few educational games I loooooooooved. That and Oregon Trail, of course. But I didn't wise up and stop being the banker until the end of my Oregon Trail career.

HaVE yOU bEEN iNjuReD iN a saNdWicH aCCiDeNt?

2009-03-31T17:07:00.000-05:00

If so, you need to call Holtz and Buddies: Attorneys at Law. We'll assess the damage, pull some numbers together and see if you're entitled to a settlement. We're straight shooters. This is all we do and we do it well.

Please call:

1-800-HOLTZATLAW

www.holtzandbuddiesattorneysatlaw.com

"We'll take a bite out of crime. AND your sandwich!"

A wHiLe bAcK...

2009-03-11T23:29:00.000-05:00

...I had posted a blog about the Golden Girls. Lifetime was going to take them off the air and replace it with Sex & the City. While I love that show too, I can watch it on about 3 other networks. Lifetime, however, is the only network left that plays the Golden Girls. I had formed an official complaint along with hundreds (maybe thousands?!) of others. We were in an uproar! So I thought to myself, if they for some reason keep the Golden Girls around, I will feel like a part of something. Well - knock on wood - a year later, they still air the show. I recently came across this picture of Rose/Betty White. Check out her giraffe shirt and kitten purse! If that doesn't scream "Rose," I don't know what does.

Cougar vs. Cougar

2009-03-08T23:13:00.000-05:00

So I have to wonder, what does my generation think of when they hear the word "cougar?" Growing up, it was an animal. A furry animal. Now, it's a different animal. And probably not so furry. When I hear "cougar," I think of older women preying on younger men. A while back, some friends discovered urbancougar.com. It was pretty hilarious. That's where I learned the difference between pumas, cougars and sabertooths. I even went hunting once. But now, whenever someone mentions a cougar, my thoughts never go to the four-legged animal. Ever. I realized it tonight when I went out to dinner with my grandma and she was talking about cougar sightings in her area. Apparently the neighbors are up in arms over this. The entire time she was talking, all I could imagine was a slutty, older woman running around in people's backyards looking for younger guys in the window.

sWaMpEd

2009-02-24T17:20:00.000-06:00

Sometimes I just stare at my to-do list and don't do anything. Is that bad?

iN my pReVioUs liFE...

2009-02-17T21:49:00.000-06:00

...I think I was a bear. Every time I sit down to paint, I'm tempted to paint a bear. Maybe I'm channeling my old friends. I also love to hibernate in the winter. Oh, and I bought gummy bears the other day.

There is also another good possibility I was a drug dog. My sense of smell is really good. Or bad. Depending on what I'm smelling. While I've never used my skill to sniff out drugs, I think I should start training myself to sniff out buried treasures. I could really use some gold bars and jewels in these crazy times. Do you think those who refer to dollar bills as bones really found the money by digging in the backyard?

gRiLLeD chEEse buN? BRiLLiaNt!!!

2009-02-12T10:33:00.000-06:00

cuRReNt oBseSsiONs

2009-02-10T22:59:00.001-06:00

WINGS. Lately I looooooove wings. Going to Buffalo Wild Wings and eating wings, drinking beer and playing trivia is becoming a favorite past time. Not only that, but I've discovered their boneless wings, which are delicious. More meat, too. Those with some spicy garlic sauce and blue cheese dressing really have been hitting the spot. I'm drooling as I write this. I also have come upon a super easy, super yummy buffalo chicken wing dip. It only requires 5 ingredients and tends to be quite a hit at parties lately.
VAMPIRES. That damn, addicting Twilight series has made me want a vampire boyfriend. They are more clever, handsome, stronger, and faster that your average, non-vampire boy. Oh Edward.... Anyway, not only have I been reading those but I just finished season 1 of True Blood on HBO. It was pretty good. Slow start but still, I was fascinated. The only problem with hanging out with vampires though, is the fact that they need to be in darkness and can't really handle the sunlight. That wouldn't be a problem for me though. I prefer to live in the dark unless I'm outside in the summer. Especially when it comes to nap time.
GRAPE APES. I blame my old pals in Thorburn. Mid-afternoon Grape Apes at the Loon became a much anticipated ritual. Now I can't go to the home of the Grape Ape with having a least one (or six). They do get me in trouble sometimes. Like the other night. Or New Years Eve day when we drank multiple Grape Apes, Orangutan, Cherry Chimps, Strawberry Snow Monkies and the Chemo Kitty (which is entirely another story in itself). But it's totally worth it. And if you bring your own flavored soda, the Loon will make any primate cocktail you'd like.

hEaRd iT. LoVeD It.

2009-02-08T21:52:00.000-06:00

(in a southern accent)
"I wanna lick your mind."

oNe oF mY faVoRitE coMMeRciALs

2009-02-06T14:54:00.001-06:00

Ha!

2009-01-27T14:42:00.000-06:00

mY MORNing

2009-01-15T11:33:00.000-06:00

Picture this...it's a pleasant -12 degrees here in Minneapolis without the windchill.

I wake up to a frozen nose, NOT wanting to get out of bed.
Put on more layers just to get up and get ready for work. My condo unit has dropped to 50 degrees.
I throw all the clothes I'm going to wear for the day (including long underwear) in the dryer to get them nice and warm.
Watch TV in hopes that my work will be running across the bottom of the news with all of the school cancellations. No such luck.
Get dressed. Put on my down coat, a hat, two scarves, two sets of mittens and sinch my hat. I wish I still had my ski goggles at times like these.
I walk to the front door and actually whimper out loud - just dreading what's about to come.
I die.
Just kidding. My prep work actually paid off. Wasn't horrible. Except for my eyes watering making my mascara run.
Then I think to myself, why do I live here?

"...iN tHEsE cRaZY tiMes..."

2008-12-15T17:05:00.000-06:00

This is my go-to line for anything that doesn't make sense lately. For example:

"In these crazy times I'll drink anything that's put in front of me."
"I'll steal people's lunches out of the fridge in these crazy times."
"Just get on those people's tab. These here are crazy times..."
"In these crazy times, I just gotta be friends with whoever's left."
"So what if the burger is burnt. These are crazy times and it's only $2.95."
"You get a chaser that's the same size as the actual bloody mary. You can't go wrong in these crazy times!"
"In these crazy times I even ate a cold meatball."
"In these crazy times you just have to steal whenever you can."
"I should have saved his number." "Yeah but that would be creepy." "Yeah but in these crazy times..."

HoT LiKe a hOt dOG.

2008-12-15T16:56:00.000-06:00

DRooLiNg oVer DON DRAPER

2008-11-06T12:00:00.000-06:00

tHe LoVE oF mY LiFe

2008-10-20T15:07:00.000-05:00

Damn you, 20,000th dollar dog night connoisseur.

2008-09-25T10:00:00.000-05:00

Last night I was in line at the Metrodome to get my dollar dog. THere was a sign up that said for the first 20,000 customers. I waited in line for about 25 minutes to get my hot dog and beer. Just when I was two people away, THEY TOOK DOWN THE SIGN!!!

saD buT TRue

2008-09-18T15:01:00.001-05:00

(although not for me because my GPA sucked anyway)

i aLWaYs oVeR-pAcK

2008-09-11T22:36:00.000-05:00

oFF tRacK

2008-09-11T10:36:00.000-05:00

I'd like to keep my blog random for the most part with just a hint of a sandwich theme. Lately, I've been slacking at sandwich information. So in hopes to get back on track, here are some sandwich tips for you:

Never neglect the corners. They are important, too.
If you're bringing a sandwich in for lunch, make sure you take it out of the refrigerator about a 1/2 hour before you eat it. That way the bread can get back to room temperature.
Save one of the best bites for last. There is no shame in eating the crust first so you can have a middle piece of deliciousness at the end.
Throw your sandwich a bone. By this, I mean give it one special element. Why go with kraft singles when you can put a little Munster cheese on there. Or maybe a fancy mustard. Or a tasty hoagie bun. Just because it is a "normal" sandwich, doesn't mean it has to be boring.
Separate the tomato from the rest of the sandwich until you're ready to eat it. Nobody wants a soggy sandwich. This can be done by a simple piece of tinfoil or seran wrap separating the two in a container (thanks for the tip, Doug).

i LOVE a gOOd gRiLLeD chEEsE

2008-09-05T09:35:00.000-05:00

Hallelujah!

2008-09-01T11:41:00.000-05:00

For those of you wondering, the spider is dead! When I finally figured out this spider only came out at night, I parked my car in the burbs where it's pitch black. Then I came down late in the night, took out my night vision goggles (aka my dim cell phone light) and there she was in person...making her web. What an ass hole. I kicked her down before she could crawl back into the mirror. And that's all she wrote. (Or webbed.)

NoT tO bRaG bUt...

2008-08-26T12:41:00.001-05:00

...I have a lot of talents. Recently a couple of them have really come to life. I'll just say it. I got a job offer as a pizza delivery man at Pizza Luce. I was picking up about 10 pops, 3-4 large pizzas and some salads for some people at work a while back and since it was so late at night, I didn't want to wait the extra 30 minutes for delivery so i figured I could easily walk down the alley and pick it up myself. The people there were amazed I could get it all and get back to the office. The guys said to me, "you can deliver for us anytime." There you have it. My other talent is more of a calling than a job offer. A plumber. I have fixed TWO different problems with my toilet now, all by myself. THere was no calling of boys or dads (or moms). Just me. Studying the problem. Finding the fix. If this advertising thing doesn't work out, looks like I'll be juuuuuuuust fine.

tWo ViDEos saY iT aLL

2008-08-19T13:19:00.001-05:00

I like to think that MAYBE there are a few readers out there who aren't in advertising. If that's true and you're curious as to what it is like, this is it in a nutshell...

aT BattLe. wiTHoUt a pRaYeR.

2008-08-18T17:04:00.000-05:00

I am at war with a spider. A very smart spider. Some of you know I don't drive my car very often. But in the last month, every time I come out to my car, there is a giant spider web reaching from my drivers side mirror to the driver side window. It wouldn't be a huge deal if it were anywhere else but I love driving with my window down. I figured I park next to a brick wall in an alley - must be spider alley. Turns out, not true. While getting gas the other day, an ugly, giant spider came out from behind the side mirror. Ah ha! Time for a car wash. That will get rid of him. Nope. Giant spider web next day. Time to aim the hose straight at the mirror and wash him out. That will get rid of him. Nope. Giant spider web next day. Time to go to the bar. As I'm driving home, a baby spider crawls out! So I flick him off. This smart (and what i have to assume is a mama spider) is now sending the babies to do the dirty work. This does not bode well for me. How will I ever get rid of her if I can't get at her???

2008-08-13T13:01:00.000-05:00

TiMe fOR a sERioUs cHaT...

2008-07-15T17:52:00.000-05:00

...about Macaroni & Cheese. While some my think I'm not an expert, I am. Here are some of my Mac & Cheese highlights, rankings and comments.

THE BEST

McCoy's Restaurant baked Mac & Cheese
Kraft Three Cheese Shells (cheap, easy but fantastic - must eat entire box)
Smart Ones Three Cheese (if you must eat healthy - this is the only way to go)
Noodles & Company
Velveeta Shells & Cheese (granted I haven't had this since 3am in college but it was amazing)
Kraft spirals (simple but solid)

THE WORST

Amy's Organic (cheese flavored cardboard)
Smarts Ones Regular Mac (cheese flavored shaving cream)
Gluek's Restaurant Mac & Cheese (dumplings in a cream sauce)

I'm sure there are plenty I'm missing for both columns but these are what I could think of off hand. As mentioned in a previous blog, I ate at a Macaroni & Cheese restaurant in New York. It was awesome. See for yourself...

PeOpLe aRe shEEp!!! HaHaHa!

2008-07-10T15:45:00.000-05:00

RaReLy dO i pOsT...

2008-07-10T14:56:00.000-05:00

...a serious blog but today I need to. There are some projects we fight tooth and nail on with the client. It gets to the point where something is so watered down, so far from the initial concept or totally client directed, that I wish we could do our version the way we want and the client could do the version they want. We would run them in the same pubs/tv stations/whatever and somehow test the different creative. I am most certain that ours would be WAY better than the client's from not only a creative aspect but ALSO (believe it or not, Mr. Client) sell more/increase awareness/etc. - whatever the goal was. Clients always think we're out to screw them and we only look out for our portfolio or awards. It's not the case. If we were to create something that looked awesome but hurt sales/damaged the brands reputation/etc., there is no way we'd be in business. Yes, we want to do good, creative work but we also want the client's business to succeed. That reflects well on us too. DUH.

jUnGLe jUiCE

2008-06-30T14:00:00.000-05:00

So....Japanese farmers have started growing square watermelons since the round ones take up so much room in the refrigerator. However, looking at these gigantic square watermelons doesn't exactly say 'takes up less room' to me but it DOES say 'perfect container for jungle juice.' No more worries about having the watermelon roll over on its side spillin' "the juice."

HooTMaiL

2008-06-12T10:21:00.000-05:00

I'm going to start a new email server called hootmail.com. You can only send funny things through it. The filter will throw all non-funny things away.

I aM tiReD oF tHEsE...

2008-06-11T15:16:00.000-05:00

hEaRd iT. LovEd iT.

2008-06-05T17:40:00.000-05:00

Fear is the darkroom where the devil develops his negatives.

i'M iN a nEw yORk sTaTE oF miND

2008-06-02T13:21:00.000-05:00

I went to New York for the first time ever this weekend. Here are my stories/observations:

The second we got out of the cab when we arrived, this homeless guy made a spitting sound to my friend and said the following: "Dirty Whore. Why don't you just stand there and get raped." Ha! When she asked him what his problem was, he screamed "you're the problem." She looked pretty slutty in her pumas, jeans and hoodie. Oh wait, not so much. But nontheless, it was super hysterical. So we spent the rest of the weekend calling her a dirty whore.
One hungover morning we went to go eat lunch at a restaurant that...(wait for it)...served ONLY Macaroni & Cheese. Talk about my dream come true. Any city that has its own Mac & Cheese restaurant has got my vote.
Caramel Crunch Bars taste good in NY too.
I wanted to see a celebrity and/or a rat. To me, that says New York. What did I see? A turtle.
Dinosaur bones are freakin' cool.
I met Chusher. For those of you don't know, he's the Chinese Usher.

sO FuNNy i aLmoSt pEEd mY pAnTs

2008-05-22T09:15:00.000-05:00

iCE. cOLd.

2008-05-19T18:15:00.001-05:00

This weekend was the season opener for my golf game. It was pointed out that I have the Rodney Dangerfield bag from Caddyshack.

Last year I got a new golf bag for my birthday. I went to Golfsmith knowing I could pick out any one. What was my main concern? Color of course. I'm a girl. The one I found came in a few different styles but only one style offered a feature that was hard to resist: a built-in cooler. Decision made.

Not sure if I'm the envy or laughingstock of my fellow golfing buddies but no drink cart in sight and need a cold beer? Look who's laughing now.

SNoWbiRds fOR a nEW GeNeRatiON

2008-05-12T21:54:00.001-05:00

With this winter being so horrible, I have devised the perfect plan. My agency should open up an office in Scottsdale, AZ. Everyone would have the choice to work down there if they wanted - snowbird style. We would have agency housing in a retirement community-like place. We could drive golfcarts instead of cars, have wireless by the pool and meetings by the shuffleboard tables. Instead of having east coast and west coast offices, we'd be the only agency in the U.S. with summer & winter offices. HOW COULD YOU GO WRONG???

On the way to work.

i WisH i wAs a cAt...

2008-05-07T16:34:00.000-05:00

...for two reasons. So I could nap in the sun all day and have 9 different lives to live.

NeVeR faiLs tO aMuSe mE

2008-05-07T12:48:00.000-05:00

sNaP sNaP

2008-05-05T11:50:00.000-05:00

I was in Seattle over the weekend and saw Getty Images offices. Do you think working there goes like this...

Show up in the morning with your coffee and camera.
Your boss gives you the subject of the day (i.e. mailboxes).
You leave the office and go take as many pictures of mailboxes as you can.

If so, I want to work there.

DoN't foRGeT tHE miNt

2008-04-28T22:13:00.000-05:00

My family always jokes that my Dad's middle name is "don't inconvenience me." However, a couple years ago, he went to the grocery store and got all the ingredients to make himself a Mint Julep for the Kentucky Derby. Watching him make the simple syrup for this drink was super hilarious. For those of you who don't know, making simple syrup is kind of a process. So it was the fact that he was taking the time to do this (from scratch) just to have his themed drink for the race was what made it so funny.

My point? Grocery stores are usually out of mint during this weekend so if you, too, would like to make a Mint Julep for this occasion, I suggest planning ahead. That, or raid someone's garden.

Ted & Fred

2008-04-27T21:16:00.001-05:00

Two of my friends just moved in together. One is tall. One is short. They remind me of one of my favorite books growing up, "Big Dog, Little Dog." Ted was short. Fred was tall. Ted liked red. Fred liked green. Ted cleaned the floors. Fred painted the ceiling.

Now fast forward to my friends, Ted & Fred. Fred puts the booze above the fridge. Ted puts the veggies in their drawer. Ted is little in the big room. Fred is big in the little room. Ted likes shots. Fred likes pints.

You should see when they go camping.

SoUtH daKoTa sHoWs soMe LoVe

2008-04-23T14:50:00.000-05:00

The drinking involved with DOUG ON VACATION has gotten pretty crazy. And late night happy hours always pose the driving dilemma. However, Heath has just informed us that in South Dakota, they just passed a law that it is okay to drive your horse home while drunk. He ALSO offered to give us a ride after the next happy hour.

tHE dRuNk eBaYeR stRiKeS aGaiN

2008-04-22T09:14:00.000-05:00

First of all, I love random going out nights. Not sure what it is but those always end up being the most fun. So last night, after a quick beer turned into all night drinking, sushi-ing and getting drenched in the rain, I went home and proceeding to do some things that I had forgotten about until this morning. Email. The Phone. They are the devil! But only because when I get drunk, I usually can't remember what I said/did until someone reminds me. Someone - or something. Like all the emails in my inbox saying "congratulations! you won..." Luckily what I bought I like. Luckily my response to a friend letting me know she's pregnant was not horrible. Luckily I ran out of pistachios so I didn't wake up to shells everywhere.

On another topic, this woman I sit next to just bought a case of this low sodium soup on the internet and cardboard containers they are in are piled up on the shelf in between us. The problem is that these containers look EXACTLY like Ben & Jerry's ice cream containers - colorful, same size, same fonts, etc. And they just stare at me. All day long.

tHiS mAde mY DaY

2008-04-15T13:49:00.000-05:00

This damn flag promo for Harley is killing me. It has been the bane of my existence for the past few weeks. Anyway, they called today wanting to know the font of the flag type is for their crappy online agency and guess what the title of the font is...."You are loved - regular." HA!

tHe ReAsOn i cAn't tAke a LoT of mY fRieNds to MoNtaNa iN tHe suMMer:

2008-04-10T14:20:00.000-05:00

A sHocK tO mY sYsTEm.

2008-04-07T23:51:00.000-05:00

After another shitty day at work full of bad news, I come home to read my celebrity gossip and get the worst news of all. THE GOLDEN GIRLS WILL NOT BE SHOWN ON LIFETIME ANYMORE. You have NO idea how much this depresses and affects me. The Golden Girls is quite possibly my favorite show on TV. First of all, you can't go wrong with old ladies talking about sex and ripping on each other for being old. Second of all, I watch this show every night before I go to bed. It's my escape. The only downside is it didn't always help me fall asleep because I'd be giggling throughout both episodes. I looked forward to this every night. In fact, I used to go to bed earlier until I fell in love with the show and purposely stayed up late just to watch it. This is a tragedy. Wishing I could sink into oblivion right now...

LiKe a ProUD mAMa.

2008-04-03T17:54:00.001-05:00

So my sister and her friends got enough guts today to use a fake at a liquor store. I remember when I was in high school one of my best friends got her cousins ID and just about every other day, we would drive down to this ghetto liquor store across from Valleyfair and buy booze. She'd dress up in black hoochie boots, a short skirt and get her giggle on. As the rest of us waited in the car, I remember seeing her walk out of the liquor store literally pushing carts of alcohol. Those days make me smile...

I miSS mY cHRiStmAs noOsE aT tiMeS LiKe tHeSe.

2008-04-02T18:40:00.000-05:00

i'M buYing a BoAt wiTh mY taX reFuNd!

2008-04-01T20:27:00.000-05:00

Funny side note: while searching on flickr for "bathtub and boat" I came across this: http://flickr.com/photos/filegirl/362144336/

My FaVoRitE piAnO sOnG

2008-03-31T23:25:00.000-05:00

Randomly tonight, I remembered how much I used to like playing Flight of the Bumblebee on the piano when I was little. So when searching for a You Tube video, I came across this Guitar Hero version! I didn't even know they made that. But considering I always get booed off stage during my Guitar Hero attempts, I think I'll just enjoy this from afar.

BeeR BottLe aNd sPoNGe

2008-03-25T17:09:00.000-05:00

For those of you who know me well, you know I love using beer bottles as my microphone when I'm singing along at bars (or, eh, weddings). Well my good friend, most commonly referred to as buh-buh-buckner, has now thrown a new option into the mix. Now I can sing in the shower! Because let's be honest, can anyone really sing without a microphone? No. They can't.

This morning my boyfriend tried it out for the first time and loved it. Damn he looks hot in those sunglasses.

FiNaLLy I caN R.I.P.

2008-03-25T17:08:00.000-05:00

WHaT i LeaRNeD iN HaWaii

2008-03-24T16:16:00.000-05:00

Waterslides are still fun at this age.
I think I'm losing pigment in my feet. They were barely getting tan at all. My family called me 'boots' all week.
The more I travel, the more I am reminded how much I hate Minnesota. Every part of Hawaii looked like a postcard. Every part of Minnesota looks like a nightmare.
Kauai is the wettest place on earth. Next time I go, I am shaving my head beforehand. No, really.
My love for wind is confirmed. Granted, it needs to be warm wind but it's great. Not only does it keep you cool but it lets you smell the ocean breeze, flowers, etc. Granted you need to be in a nice smelling place but it's great. Okay - so there are some prerequisites but all-in-all, I love wind.
Caramel Crunch bars are just as good in Hawaii as they are here.